As I was leaving London for Maputo, I remembered the last time I was en-route to Mozambique almost 10 years ago. Different years marked by different emotions. While this time I was mostly preoccupied with whether I have enough food and milk for my super active toddler, back in 2008 I was overwhelmed with the excitement of traveling to Africa and saving it, or whatever naively I believed a white girl can achieve in this "needy" continent. Apart from suffering from a so common white-girl-goes-to-Africa syndrome, it was a very emotional journey - trading safety of Europe, family and friends for the unknown. The following extract is something I have written back then and dedicated to my friends, who have been so supportive of my crazy en-devours and who continue to do so up until today 

(for now, only in Lithuanian):

Lietuva palydėjo mane lietumi, o aš ją ašaromis... Nesugebėjau ir nenorėjau verkti, kol jūs buvot šalia, nes tai džiaugsmo akimirkos - būti su jumis. Ir tik likusi viena, žiūrėdama pro lėktuvo langelį į žalią lietuvišką žolę plakamą lietaus, į žemai pakibusius debesis, susiduriau akis į akį su suvokimu. Išsiskiriam ilgam. Jau buvome išsiskyrę, bet aš kiekvieną mėnesį bandžiau veržtis atgal į jūsų gyvenimus, priminti apie save, įkyriai neleisti pamiršti. O gal ir gerai?!  Išsiskiriam. Pagaliau patirsime ilgesį, o gal tuštumą? Kas ten žino... Žmonės yra keisti padarai, mėgstantys slėptis po logiškumo ir racionalumo skraiste. 

Sekundės ir Lietuva dingo iš akiračio. Po manimi - tik lietaus debesys, beribė beformė balta masė... Išskridau.

I still remember that particular moment of leaving and the emotion, the knowing that this beginning is the end of some precious and nurtured relationships. I cried, for I knew that distance will inevitably take its tall on many of my friendships. Almost 10 years later I still struggle to be present for and with my friends and by my own measure I am not very successful at it. Some friendships withstand years of silence, the distance, forgotten birthdays, missed calls. Many - fade away leaving behind just a memory. But for all those who once were and still are part of my life - you are a true treasure! Even if what is left between me and you is a withering memory, the person I am today would not be the same without you. And for this - I thank you. And for this - I am also sorry to have left you behind... 


Popular Posts